apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
