The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
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