You can't special order awesome
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize