The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
