she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
