Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
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