there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
