I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
the day after is always just damage control
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
