i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
