I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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