He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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