I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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