Betty ford says i'm here all night
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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