i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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