does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
