Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
