sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
