mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
