He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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