I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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