I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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