Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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