Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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