i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
he fucked my hip out of place.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
