dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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