brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
