i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
