You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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