T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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