At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Randomize
