Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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