This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
