every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
