Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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