Im at strip club and am horny
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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