Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
