How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
