nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
