New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Sext me about skeletons
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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