so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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