I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
