just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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