I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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