It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize