I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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