I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
