u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
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