I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
