Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
