Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
