I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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