Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
