You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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