So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
