hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
