My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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