true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
