dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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you will always have a special place in my vag
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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