All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
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