I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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