you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
