Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
did i walk over a car last night?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
