I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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