meet me or not, i'm out of control
no you cant smoke seaweed
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
