Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
