There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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