my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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