Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
smell my finger.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
