It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
