you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
