Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
