it's too hot outside to masturbate.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
