is your mom at the bar?
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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