Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
