he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
