he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
