Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
