I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
