I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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